I always felt like I was an easy going person. I do still think I am in some ways, but looking back on that now I think I was just internalizing things and putting up an easy going front. In trying to be truer to myself, this is no longer something that I want to do. I can remember many situations in my life where a plan was formed for some task. When that plan was not followed, I was left feeling frustrated and lost.
I am not really sure what the root of this is, it is something that I am still tinkering with. I feel like spending a lot of years not knowing myself or trusting my instincts, can leave me lost when a "plan" doesn't follow through. Or it can just plan old exhaust me. I don't have a strong inner self to guide me, I have an expectation.
I do feel like I have adapted to be more flexible since Emlyn has joined us. I certainly don't want her to feel expectations put on her. It is hard at times. I try to catch myself as I am formulating a plan to our day in my head and tell myself this is likely going to frustrate me later. I'm not talking about things like appointments or things that I have set up with friends. I do understand that there needs to be somethings that I can count on happening. What I am talking about is everyday things. Taking a shower, chores, going out for a walk, running an errand, going to the park.
I do know that I had certain expectations of what life was going to be like as a mostly stay at home mom (I only work Saturdays). I thought that the chores would be taken care of, the garden would be flourishing this year, the dogs would get walked everyday, I would have lots of time to take care of myself, and Emlyn and I would be involved in play groups and park dates. It would be fun and it would be a break from the 15+ years I have been working. In reality, less of all those things happen now than they did before. It is still a struggle to let those ideals go, but it is getting better.
The most susceptible time for me is in the mornings. Things usually go great and I feel like I can get a few things done. Emlyn is happy and the tone gets set for a productive day. Maybe we will go to a park, or actually take the dogs for a walk, or maybe I will mop the floor during her afternoon nap.
Then the afternoon hits. The time after her morning nap and before her afternoon nap. This time is always full of mundane things that need to be done. Getting us both dressed, both fed (which is quite a process now with Emme eating solid foods!), start a load of laundry, and just when we are ready to go do our fun thing...it is time for her nap again. It feels like there is no way around it. The sparkling plans that came to me in our morning productivity or no longer a reality.
This is exactly what happened today. We had plans to meet with another mom and baby girl about the same age as Emlyn at the park for a play date. The other mom needed to cancel a few hours beforehand which was fine. Emlyn and I were going to go anyway and the mom and I rescheduled for next week. So we finished getting ready and headed on our way. But we left too late. 5 minutes from the park I peek back at her in her car seat. She is sound asleep. The kind of sleep that if I wake her up, she will likely have slept deep enough that she won't sleep again. This means we will be dealing with a fragile kiddo for the rest of the day. So I turn the car around. We come home and now she is napping. No park, no mommy time, no afternoon stroll. A plan for the day, adapted to a new plan for the day, which turned into no plans. Deep breath.
Lots of deep breaths actually. I do feel a bit better now. When Emlyn wakes up from her nap, I will be recharged and ready for the next fun thing we decide to do. And we will try it all over again tomorrow. Who knows what it will look like and I am learning to be okay with that.
