11 things i would tell my first mama self

I often think back to the time following Emlyn's birth.  How amazing and exciting it was.  How trying it was.  I think a lot about what I would have told myself, knowing what I know now, to make things easier.  It may have not made any difference but nonetheless it is interesting to reflect.  This is of course based on my personal experience as a first time mama and what has worked for me.  This list includes mostly advice focused towards mamas, not parenting tips.  I know this list is not complete as more things come to me as time passes, but I think it is a good start.  So let's get to it.  

1. Breastfeeding might not come easily and if it doesn't get help.  

I thought that breastfeeding was going to come naturally and easily and was so surprised at how complex it was in the beginning.  Getting the right latch, right positioning, having to use both hands, having to re-latch.  There were a few things helped Emlyn and I become successful.  I had tremendous support from my husband, other mama examples around me, and a home visit from a lactation consultant.  The lactation consultant was such a help! Although I didn’t use them, I do want to mention La Leche League as a resource as well.  Before having Emlyn, the only experience that I had with breastfeeding was from being around one of my friends.  That was it!  Surrounding myself with other nursing mamas was such a comfort and support. Breastfeeding did get easier though.  As she has grown, we have come across other challenges (biting, nursing acrobatics) but it is so natural now.  I am so thankful to be nursing her at 11 months with no signs of stopping any time soon.  

2. Take care of yourself during early postpartum. 

Your body needs lots of rest and good healthy food to help heal itself.  Both of these things are such a challenge given your plethora of responsibilities, but so important.  Sleep when baby sleeps.  At 11 months, I still do this on some days! I wish that I would have focused more on healing remedies after giving birth.  Those pregnancy cravings and splurges carried their way into postpartum and left me feeling not so stellar.  Which brings me to #3.  

3. Postpartum sucks.

For some reason, most moms don't talk about this.  People have no hesitations telling you how miserable the 3rd trimester will be (for me it was great!) or how challenging and painful labor was for them.  Postpartum doesn't get talked about much.  Well it sucks...for me it did at least.  Walking was a challenge, sitting was SO painful, I bled more than I cared to witness, and I had horrible digestive problems and pain for months after giving birth (can I emphasize horrible).  I'm not trying to scare anyone here.  Granted everyone's experience is different.  I think it is good to be honest with our experiences and good for moms to know that your recovery won't likely be a week, or a few even.  It takes time and yes it is worth it but be prepared.  

4. Things will get easier, and then harder, and then easier, then harder.

I used to think that the amount of energy and focus it took to raise Emlyn would be a straight down sloping line.  It would be hardest at first, and then just keep getting easier.  I laugh at myself to think that is the way I thought things would go.  It is such an up and down.  Just when things start to settle into a routine, a flow, a new phase is entered and with it new challenges.  Each of them glorious and exhausting.  

5. Shower/bathe at night

I can't even say how much stress this took off me.  I no longer go through my day constantly wondering when I can squeeze my shower in.  8:00? 11:00? 4:00?!?! Now Emlyn and I bathe together at night and we she gets out, I finish what I need to do.  It is such a fun part of our day that I look forward too.  

6. You grasp the concept that being a parent is a lot of work, but it really is A LOT of work.

There really isn't much I can say here because even if I said it, you can't really know it until you are in it.  

7. Go easy on yourself. Don't get down if things aren't going as you thought.

I spent a lot of time being harder on myself that I needed to be.  Being a primary care giver for a child is a FULL TIME job with lots of overtime.  If you are a stay at home mom or home on leave with your baby, the things that you think you will be able to do might not be a reality, like keeping the house cleaner than ever before!!, or exercising everyday, or growing a flourishingly beautiful garden, starting each day of with freshly baked scones...you get the picture.  Try to keep your expectations at bay and take advantage of your time together.  

8.  Listen to your gut.  

When you are doing something that doesn't feel right.  Stop and think about it.  Don't just do something because it is something that you read in a book or it's something everyone else does. It is very easy to be convinced by someone who emphatically believes in what they are telling you.  It seems as though there have been studies done to prove just about everything.  At the end of the day, what matters is what feels right.  

9. Buy one of the belly bands that help your stomach shrink back down.  

I'm not talking about the bands you wear to hold up your pants during pregnancy.  They are especially made for postpartum.  Granted, I have NO idea if they really work or not but I have it in my head that they are miracle makers.  Not to mention that I remember my guts (as in organs) feeling kind of loose the week after giving birth.  Almost like a big mass was missing (weird, I know) and things could move a bit more freely than I would have liked.  Something to hold it all together would have been nice.  

10.  Find support in people that are likeminded or are able to be supportive even though they don't don't agree.  

Sometimes all you need to know is that someone else out there is going through the same thing as you. Being in the trenches of this thing called parenthood can be very bonding.  It helps to have some support in parents that parent similarly to you.  It can also be nice sometimes to hear a totally different perspective.  Reach out to others.  Trust me, you will need it.  

11. Carve out time for yourself. 

This is so important.  The nature of being a parent is that you spend a lot of energy and time on your child's needs.  In order to give continuously and have something to give, you have to take care of yourself.  My therapist used a great analogy that I will never forget.  It is like they instruct you on an airplane, you need to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.  Fill yourself up so that you are able to give.

I know that this list really can't be only 11 tips long. So, what else should have made this list?  What advice would you have given to yourself before your first kiddo knowing what you know now?

all i can handle

This has been a great week.  Really, I mean that.

For the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have been experiencing mama burnout.  Pretty much everyday.  There are a lot of things that I can think of that contributed to it, but I don't want to focus on that in this post.  My mornings would typically start out good and then by afternoon I would feel myself checking out and having less tolerance.  I would start playing with my phone or messing around on the computer.  Mindlessly, no purpose.  I wasn't focus on engaging with Emlyn and even found myself trying to get her to entertain herself more.  The dogs and cat would start to irritate me.  Everyone around me suddenly felt too needy.  My tank was low.

After I was feeling this way for a few days, Nate and I decided to try to alternating nights where we each get a bit of do whatever we want time.  He needed it to.  And I do think that has been helping both of us.  It is easy for us to lose ourselves in what we "need" to do. Weeding, mowing, vacuuming, bills, laundry.  I could fill this whole post of things that could be on our to do list.  We have also been doing a number of things to focus on ourselves, our marriage, and our family. All of this has helped me to be more capable of handling all that is life.

But again this week was different.  This was a week where Emlyn and I had commitments the first 3 days of the week that forced us out of the house.  One of which was a bit of time with other mamas and kiddos at a cafe.  As much as we try to get out of the house everyday for something fun, sometimes we do need that commitment to something else to make it happen.  Most of the time I try to schedule things to do toward the end of the week when I know that I be feeling a bit more burnt out.  I think that doing the opposite this week was better for me though.  Having fun when I had the most energy help keep me going the rest of the week.

I have also not done any chores this week.  I let go of that pesky schedule that I had in my head of vacuuming half on the house on this day, the other half on such and such day, doing a load of laundry every day, blah blah blah.  I just did the bare minimum that needed to be done.  And guess what, the world is still going round and round!  There are tufts of dog hair on the floor, crumbs galore, the yard is being consumed by weeds, and the laundry is piling up.  But I am okay with that.

Cutting myself some slack actually allowed me some ability to take care some of those to dos.  Taking the dogs for a walk was enjoyable.  Making dinner was more fun.  And I might even vacuum today.  Not because it needs to be done but because I can handle it today.  I can't keep up the expectations of my life as it was before Emlyn and have the time and energy to be the type of mama that I want to be.  I know that every week will be different.  I will have different needs and there will be different things surrounding us.  This week I did all that I could handle, not any more.  And it was great.

expectations

My nemesis.  Every day I battle my expectations.  They are hard to kick.  All they do is cause me stress and it is hard to say how I still let them creep back in.  They kind of feel like a lesson that the universe it refusing to let go of.  I had an awareness that this was something that I needed to work on before having Emlyn, but now that she is here it is like they are showing on a huge neon screen.

I always felt like I was an easy going person.  I do still think I am in some ways, but looking back on that now I think I was just internalizing things and putting up an easy going front.  In trying to be truer to myself, this is no longer something that I want to do.  I can remember many situations in my life where a plan was formed for some task.  When that plan was not followed, I was left feeling frustrated and lost.

I am not really sure what the root of this is, it is something that I am still tinkering with.  I feel like spending a lot of years not knowing myself or trusting my instincts, can leave me lost when a "plan" doesn't follow through.  Or it can just plan old exhaust me.  I don't have a strong inner self to guide me, I have an expectation.

I do feel like I have adapted to be more flexible since Emlyn has joined us.  I certainly don't want her to feel expectations put on her.  It is hard at times.  I try to catch myself as I am formulating a plan to our day in my head and tell myself this is likely going to frustrate me later.  I'm not talking about things like appointments or things that I have set up with friends.  I do understand that there needs to be somethings that I can count on happening.  What I am talking about is everyday things.  Taking a shower, chores, going out for a walk, running an errand, going to the park.

I do know that I had certain expectations of what life was going to be like as a mostly stay at home mom (I only work Saturdays).  I thought that the chores would be taken care of, the garden would be flourishing this year, the dogs would get walked everyday, I would have lots of time to take care of myself, and Emlyn and I would be involved in play groups and park dates.  It would be fun and it would be a break from the 15+ years I have been working.  In reality, less of all those things happen now than they did before.  It is still a struggle to let those ideals go, but it is getting better.

The most susceptible time for me is in the mornings.  Things usually go great and I feel like I can get a few things done.  Emlyn is happy and the tone gets set for a productive day.  Maybe we will go to a park, or actually take the dogs for a walk, or maybe I will mop the floor during her afternoon nap.

Then the afternoon hits.  The time after her morning nap and before her afternoon nap.  This time is always full of mundane things that need to be done.  Getting us both dressed, both fed (which is quite a process now with Emme eating solid foods!), start a load of laundry, and just when we are ready to go do our fun thing...it is time for her nap again.  It feels like there is no way around it. The sparkling plans that came to me in our morning productivity or no longer a reality.

This is exactly what happened today.  We had plans to meet with another mom and baby girl about the same age as Emlyn at the park for a play date.  The other mom needed to cancel a few hours beforehand which was fine.  Emlyn and I were going to go anyway and the mom and I rescheduled for next week.  So we finished getting ready and headed on our way.  But we left too late.  5 minutes from the park I peek back at her in her car seat.  She is sound asleep.  The kind of sleep that if I wake her up, she will likely have slept deep enough that she won't sleep again.  This means we will be dealing with a fragile kiddo for the rest of the day.  So I turn the car around.  We come home and now she is napping.  No park, no mommy time, no afternoon stroll.  A plan for the day, adapted to a new plan for the day, which turned into no plans.  Deep breath.

Lots of deep breaths actually.  I do feel a bit better now.  When Emlyn wakes up from her nap, I will be recharged and ready for the next fun thing we decide to do.  And we will try it all over again tomorrow.  Who knows what it will look like and I am learning to be okay with that.

what the heck

Ok, seriously.  I have no idea what I am doing here.  I never thought I would be someone who blogged.  Writing is not something I feel that I am good at.  I hated english in school (take this as a disclaimer for all future misuse of punction, improper sentence structure, etc).  That being said, this must obviously a form a self torture. Alright, not really.  Here we go...

Since hitting my 30's and becoming a mama for the first time, things have started to click into place for me.  I feel I am changing and becoming more into myself.  For those of you that can relate, this will make total sense, and to those of you that can't this will sound crazy, but I spent a lot of my life never really knowing who I was.

I feel like I am starting to get to know myself.  I feel like I have a great intuition that I am only beginning to tap in to.  I have never known how to trust or listen to it.  I have been someone who has made decisions based on what the "right" thing was to do, not what my gut was telling me.  One of the things that has helped me connect with myself has been hearing other people's stories.  Hearing someone else speak from a place of truth in a way that resonates with me, helps me to gain confidence in my feelings and who I truly am.  So I am here to share pieces of my story and hopefully it will resonate with a few readers along the way.

I have no idea what this blog will be.  I know that I could spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to make it perfect and that might even delay it long enough that I change my mind and decide that this is just a silly idea (like I have done with so many things in my life).  Heck, I have already spent a few months thinking about doing this, but haven't for silly reasons.  I can't name it until I know it's purpose. Will it be stories and pictures about my family? Will it be about lessons that I am learning?  Will it be parenting focused?  It must fit in a little box and be a certain way...one way, right? Isn't that how things work?  It must be defined and then followed through on such definition.

This time I am deciding not to decide and just see where it takes me.  I guess that in itself is a definition, but I am going with it none the less.  Normally I would need this to be perfect before I post this.  But I am giving myself permission to just do it as it is.  Someday I'll get my blog template more spiffy and post a picture or two.  But for now, I don't need this to be perfect, I just need it to be me. So what the heck, here we go.