all i can handle

This has been a great week.  Really, I mean that.

For the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have been experiencing mama burnout.  Pretty much everyday.  There are a lot of things that I can think of that contributed to it, but I don't want to focus on that in this post.  My mornings would typically start out good and then by afternoon I would feel myself checking out and having less tolerance.  I would start playing with my phone or messing around on the computer.  Mindlessly, no purpose.  I wasn't focus on engaging with Emlyn and even found myself trying to get her to entertain herself more.  The dogs and cat would start to irritate me.  Everyone around me suddenly felt too needy.  My tank was low.

After I was feeling this way for a few days, Nate and I decided to try to alternating nights where we each get a bit of do whatever we want time.  He needed it to.  And I do think that has been helping both of us.  It is easy for us to lose ourselves in what we "need" to do. Weeding, mowing, vacuuming, bills, laundry.  I could fill this whole post of things that could be on our to do list.  We have also been doing a number of things to focus on ourselves, our marriage, and our family. All of this has helped me to be more capable of handling all that is life.

But again this week was different.  This was a week where Emlyn and I had commitments the first 3 days of the week that forced us out of the house.  One of which was a bit of time with other mamas and kiddos at a cafe.  As much as we try to get out of the house everyday for something fun, sometimes we do need that commitment to something else to make it happen.  Most of the time I try to schedule things to do toward the end of the week when I know that I be feeling a bit more burnt out.  I think that doing the opposite this week was better for me though.  Having fun when I had the most energy help keep me going the rest of the week.

I have also not done any chores this week.  I let go of that pesky schedule that I had in my head of vacuuming half on the house on this day, the other half on such and such day, doing a load of laundry every day, blah blah blah.  I just did the bare minimum that needed to be done.  And guess what, the world is still going round and round!  There are tufts of dog hair on the floor, crumbs galore, the yard is being consumed by weeds, and the laundry is piling up.  But I am okay with that.

Cutting myself some slack actually allowed me some ability to take care some of those to dos.  Taking the dogs for a walk was enjoyable.  Making dinner was more fun.  And I might even vacuum today.  Not because it needs to be done but because I can handle it today.  I can't keep up the expectations of my life as it was before Emlyn and have the time and energy to be the type of mama that I want to be.  I know that every week will be different.  I will have different needs and there will be different things surrounding us.  This week I did all that I could handle, not any more.  And it was great.

expectations

My nemesis.  Every day I battle my expectations.  They are hard to kick.  All they do is cause me stress and it is hard to say how I still let them creep back in.  They kind of feel like a lesson that the universe it refusing to let go of.  I had an awareness that this was something that I needed to work on before having Emlyn, but now that she is here it is like they are showing on a huge neon screen.

I always felt like I was an easy going person.  I do still think I am in some ways, but looking back on that now I think I was just internalizing things and putting up an easy going front.  In trying to be truer to myself, this is no longer something that I want to do.  I can remember many situations in my life where a plan was formed for some task.  When that plan was not followed, I was left feeling frustrated and lost.

I am not really sure what the root of this is, it is something that I am still tinkering with.  I feel like spending a lot of years not knowing myself or trusting my instincts, can leave me lost when a "plan" doesn't follow through.  Or it can just plan old exhaust me.  I don't have a strong inner self to guide me, I have an expectation.

I do feel like I have adapted to be more flexible since Emlyn has joined us.  I certainly don't want her to feel expectations put on her.  It is hard at times.  I try to catch myself as I am formulating a plan to our day in my head and tell myself this is likely going to frustrate me later.  I'm not talking about things like appointments or things that I have set up with friends.  I do understand that there needs to be somethings that I can count on happening.  What I am talking about is everyday things.  Taking a shower, chores, going out for a walk, running an errand, going to the park.

I do know that I had certain expectations of what life was going to be like as a mostly stay at home mom (I only work Saturdays).  I thought that the chores would be taken care of, the garden would be flourishing this year, the dogs would get walked everyday, I would have lots of time to take care of myself, and Emlyn and I would be involved in play groups and park dates.  It would be fun and it would be a break from the 15+ years I have been working.  In reality, less of all those things happen now than they did before.  It is still a struggle to let those ideals go, but it is getting better.

The most susceptible time for me is in the mornings.  Things usually go great and I feel like I can get a few things done.  Emlyn is happy and the tone gets set for a productive day.  Maybe we will go to a park, or actually take the dogs for a walk, or maybe I will mop the floor during her afternoon nap.

Then the afternoon hits.  The time after her morning nap and before her afternoon nap.  This time is always full of mundane things that need to be done.  Getting us both dressed, both fed (which is quite a process now with Emme eating solid foods!), start a load of laundry, and just when we are ready to go do our fun thing...it is time for her nap again.  It feels like there is no way around it. The sparkling plans that came to me in our morning productivity or no longer a reality.

This is exactly what happened today.  We had plans to meet with another mom and baby girl about the same age as Emlyn at the park for a play date.  The other mom needed to cancel a few hours beforehand which was fine.  Emlyn and I were going to go anyway and the mom and I rescheduled for next week.  So we finished getting ready and headed on our way.  But we left too late.  5 minutes from the park I peek back at her in her car seat.  She is sound asleep.  The kind of sleep that if I wake her up, she will likely have slept deep enough that she won't sleep again.  This means we will be dealing with a fragile kiddo for the rest of the day.  So I turn the car around.  We come home and now she is napping.  No park, no mommy time, no afternoon stroll.  A plan for the day, adapted to a new plan for the day, which turned into no plans.  Deep breath.

Lots of deep breaths actually.  I do feel a bit better now.  When Emlyn wakes up from her nap, I will be recharged and ready for the next fun thing we decide to do.  And we will try it all over again tomorrow.  Who knows what it will look like and I am learning to be okay with that.